Day 58 "is he still IN love with me?"

I know that when you tell a person that a activity hurts you or makes you really upset that you would think that person would stop that activity. But to no avail he is still continuing doing this.

He's not gaming.... thank God! But I told him that I can't stand the books that he buys because they run along the same premise that when he has books he ignores his family, wife and all responsibilities. Any way..... I found the receipt for 3 books today...... 65.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine spending 65.00 on paper with words on it??? I can't even fathom how they can charge that much for paper with words on them! Whatever happened to the 3.99 paperback novel? No such thing I guess....... I guess all book are 25.00 + or their not worth reading is what I keep being told. I think it is a bunch of bull if you ask me.

So now why do I feel bad if i think about paying 45.00 for a bottle of cologne? Mine is twenty dollars less, will be enjoyed by more than just me, will last longer than 3 days and I won't spend that much on perfume again in 2 years!!! But I guess he Needs the books like he needs the games...... I"m so over this. He doesn't even sleep with me anymore. He works two jobs so he can have money to spend on his stupid juvenile crap while I pay the bills with what little money he's going to give me a money. And now we have no saving! None,whatsoever.

I give up.

Day 50 "You fixed something!!!"

So the dyer went out on us on Wednesday. I called the repair man on Thursday. $45.00 later it wasn't the dryer. He told us that it was somewhere from the fuse box to the outlet. We installed the outlet and wiring when we moved in the house. So out of nowhere my husband goes to the hardware store and buys a new breaker, as recommended by the repair guy and installs it before I get home from work and it actually works!!!

He even insisted when my mom called to go shopping next Sunday that he was taking me and not her! I'm about to fall over dead!

He's doing chores, running the kids, fixing things, sleeping with me, watching TV with me, working 2 jobs, fixing the cars, paying for things and staying off the damn Internet! He even just used my laptop to watch a tv show that he likes and didn't attempt to game. His Xbox is even still in the back of the car. But he's only been home for about a week so we will see if he's really turned over a new leaf or if it is all for show.

I will say that I'm enjoying all the showering and the wearing of his false teeth. I'm so much happier and don't feel like I have to start screaming when I walk in the front door. I'm much perkier, less tired, eating better and more relaxed at night. This is what it was like when we first got married.

But I don't like the comments made by his mother that I was just like his brother's wife. His brothers wife kicked him out cause she was putting out for every Tom, Dick and Harry. I put him out cause of him!

Day 42 "WTF!"

Ok, so after I posted yesterdays blog I left for lunch. He was parked outside the front door where I work. I thought he was here to ask me to lunch but he wanted to ask me about the dog and my friend Robyn visiting me more at the house now that he is not there. So after we talked about those two things he acted very ho-hum that he was leaving and paying the electric bill. I asked him if he was here to ask me to lunch cause if not I was leaving and going by myself. He said no, he wanted to go to lunch, too.

So we went to lunch and talked about some mundane things while sitting in the parking lot of a park. He started to take me back to work but I told him that I would go with him to the electric office. We got there and when we got a copy of the bill she told us the 2 month amount and asked how much we were going to pay. Without missing a beat he said the whole thing. I was shocked! So we get up there to pay it and then find out that his nifty unemployment card from the state can't be accepted there. I fork out the money on my Debit card and then told him that I would have to go to the bank to get my check in so that I didn't overdraw my account. He started in that direction but made a turn and went to the bank and got the money off his card and gave it to me to put in the bank. We then talked about hanging out together last night while the kids were at church.

I told him that I would be ready to go by 6:10. Well the neighbor took my son so I didn't have to. I waited till 6:15 and started making my grocery shopping list and decided to move on without him. Well he got there at 6:20 and I went with him to drop his daughter off at the church. I tell you the ride in the car was awful. You could have cut the tension with a knife in the car. His daughter wasn't talking or anything. But she had said some horrible things at school about me that had gotten back to me via my son and his friend.

After we dropped her off I needed to go to Target and get some stuff. I asked him if he wanted to wait in the car since he informed me of how much he hates shopping. Well wouldn't you know it, I pinched a muscle in my back picking up the dog food. He said that had he known I was getting dog food he would have went in with me. But I'm glad he didn't cause it gave me a chance to eye a grey and purple dress that I'm going back to buy tonight.

Afterwards we went to the house to cuddle which for hi always means having sex. I stood my ground though and did not give him. Then he started talking like he's ready to move back in but I'm not taking it too much to heart since he didn't set a date or say when. But we were confirming resolutions to our problems and he said he was lonely at his Mom's house. I'm lonely too, but I'm not going to cry over it since the house is much more peaceful. He still wants that damn game and I told him that I'm not ready to talk about it, yet. I've compromised on the other games. But I think like my drinking that did so much damage that he should give up the game that caused so much damage. So we will see.

I talked to Robyn for almost a hour and half after he left. We are going to invite the guys out to a late night dessert Saterday night so that they can meet and our spouses can meet us. He's coming to pick me up for lunch again tooday so I'm going to ask him then.

So cross your fingers for me and we'll see what happens.

Day 41 :::::sigh:::::

Ok, so today I'm working on codependency issues. I can defiantly see that I'm co-dependant and this is not the 1st time in my life that I've been this way and he is not the first person.

I was my mother's savior from herself when I was younger. I was the over achiever and the martyr always accepting the blame even when it was not mine to accept. I was there for her when she drank and drugged. I was there for her when she couldn't or wouldn't do anything for herself and I made excuses for her behavior.

With my 1st husband I was always trying to save him from himself and his drug addiction.

With my 2nd husband I was always trying to win his acceptance and praise. I covered up for his addiction to unmoral things. I made excuses for his anger. I accepted his needs and wants over my own. I tried to change his outward appearance to be a reflection of me so that I could gain approval from other people.

Now with Donnie, I'm doing almost all of the above. I'm trying to save him from his addiction to games, trying to change his appearance to meet everyone else's approval, trying to get approval from him, covering for his addiction and letting him be dependent on me for his needs.

What a awful way to live life. I never realized how many of my own needs where not being met by me because I was worrying about him. I know that to a point we should be dependent on each other but we shouldn't rely on each other to provide our only source of happiness. Time for me and time to set myself free. Now that he's not living there I have some real time to do work on me and me only. Screw him and his problems. Those are his problems to figure out, not mine. And I'm done relying on him to do anything for me. I'm always disappointed and let down when I do that. I'm taking matters back into my own hands and relying on me and god for my needs.

Day 40 "You don't have to do anything"

Summer 2008, very happy

Well, I've come to the final conclusion that I'm not going to rely on unreliable people anymore. I have the right to fire people from my life. I need to put trust in myself and in God that together we can take care of everything.

Too long in my life I've stayed in unhealthy and unbalanced relationships to meet my own needs. I must stop letting people skate by and be protected by me. I never let anyone suffer their consequences and cover for them. Even with my husband I protect him from being a adult by doing everything for him. I've let him take advantage of me for too long and I'm done. This doesn't mean not loving him but this also means not protecting him from himself and his own consequences.

I need to make sure that I'm happy no matter what he does or doesn't do. I need to make sure that my own needs are met and my kids are taken care of above all else.

And if you are wondering, yes, he is still at his mother's house by his own wishes.

Day 39 "I call you but you don't call me"

I've tried to work on all this with him but while he's at his mom's house he does not call and only shows interest in coming over when I have stuff to do. I kept busy most of the weekend but it still felt weird.

He came over last night and said that he agreed to the terms of getting back together. But then he walked out without saying goodbye in the middle of the conversation and did not call me last night at all so I have no clue if he's pissed again or coming back.

Whatever....